Let me preclude this list with the fact that I am not a party pooper. I'm a rad chick. I barfed just last weekend at a late night pizza joint. I have tattoos. I know how to raise hell.
I also know that everything has a time and a place. I'm not always the best at choosing those but as an avid camper and deep lover of nature, I can tell you that there is camping etiquette that you can follow to ensure that you're not the guy that everyone hates.
Beyond being despised or judged or whatever, bringing these things camping will not only ruin everyone else's time in the great outdoors, it'll massively compromise yours too. You need to connect man. That's the whole flippin point of it.
Don't bring these things camping and you'll have a much better chance of extracting all the pleasure an outdoor slumber party can provide.
1. glass bottles
Unless you want to be that guy that ruins someone else's day, just bring cans, man. Also, bottles are heavy and annoying. Or bring whisky. That's fun too. Know what's not fun? Having a gash on the bottom of your foot that is constantly packed tight with sand and then almost passing out every time you have to fish little rock granules out of your gaping, salty foot wound. Eulughh, I just gagged.
It's a fucking beach. There are endless things to do.
If you don't give kids some moronic show to watch, they'll go find other things to do. Like play.
3. Your PHONE/ wifi
You do NOT need to check your email or look at your Friendbook feed while you're catching a tan. If you absolutely do (I get it - SOME people have to work), go into town, get it done with, then turn your phone off and leave it in the car. Don't let it be a reflex when you run out of obvious things to do. Instagram can wait till Monday. Do a crossword or fall asleep or some shit. Maybe whittle a stick into a smaller stick or throw rocks at a log. Give your squiggly, modern brain a break.
4. food that will give you diarrhea
Just because you're camping does not mean that you must eat s'mores. If marshmallows give you the squirts, bring some peaches or something. Camping doesn't require you to put garbage in your body. It's fun, but dealing with the ring of fire or mud butt when you're in yesterday's pants is super un-awesome. Plan your meals.
5. Beer bongs / Supersoakers filled with vodka
This does not make the camping activity list. If the purpose of your weekend is to get as shitfaced as humanly possible, GO TO A CITY! That's what they're there for. It's entertaining. There are hot people. You can wear the equivalent amount of clothing as a bikini, snarf as much yayo as you want and scream your fucking lungs out. I mean, that sounds kinda radical but it's not what camping is for.
Sure, get looped, wake up with a badass hangover and contemplate the trees you saw melting the night before. That's a fun as hell time. Expand the shit out of your mind. Sing songs with your pals. Get freaky AF. Just don't bring the club to the beach.
I'm not gonna show up to said club in my Birkenstocks and socks on peyote, whine about the music being too loud and then try to get everyone to sit in a circle on the floor and chant OM's together, right?
If I did, I'd be a total asshat and deserve to get kicked out.
6. top 40 or NICKELBACK
I know most of the words to every recent T. Swift song. I also have a frighteningly legitimate crush on Justin Bieber (lord, have mercy). I love pop music. But I don't love feeling like I'm stuck in traffic or hanging out at a sweaty club with Rihanna when I'm getting intimate with nature.
Pop music is a reminder of the other life I lead - the one I'm trying to meditate my way out of for a day or two. Don't harsh my mellow by making me feel like I'm getting pumped up with Nick Jonas on the way to a meeting, man.
Also, Nickelback is the devil. Dave Grohl once poetically put it, “If you play a Nickelback song backwards, you’ll hear messages from the devil. Even worse, if you play it forwards, you’ll hear Nickelback.”
Keep your nauseating brainwashing mantras to yourself, thanks.
If you want some tunes, reggae and folk music are acceptable at the camping beach. But don't be an asshole. Some peeps are all about ocean sounds. Let them have it for a bit. Also, try it on for size yourself.
7. Garbage you intend to leave behind
I feel like this one is so obvious that it doesn't really need to be said. But then again, people KEEP FUCKING DOING IT! WHAT THE SHITTING HELL?
A simple method to ensure that you aren't the shit stain upon this planet is to bring a couple of the 12,000 plastic bags you have under your sink when you set off for your sandy adventure. Just put your trash IN THE BAGS. Then PUT THEM IN THE GARBAGE.
Pretty simple stuff.
Also, if you're drinking beers, just stomp on them and put them back in the cardboard container from whence they came. You can even make a freakin' game out of it. What's the sense in leaving a perfectly good, unused game at the beach?
8. Your ego
The point of camping is to have some fun with your pals and be a kid again. Don't come camping with an agenda to impress everyone on the beach. Really, you're just making a spectacle of your own insecurities which, to everyone else, makes you look like a shitty, ignorant meatball. Nobody cares about your body, or your hair or your ability to break stuff and be the loudest squawking neanderthal of the pack. We're not here for your flagrant display of egomania. But if you wanna come play some bocce or sip whisky and talk shit by the fire, get the fuck over here!! Come on down, friend! Just check your ego at the gate, please. It's not welcome here.